New Year’s Eve Anxiety : Endings and Beginnings

photoIt’s December 31st 2013 and tomorrow it’ll be 2014. Whilst one year ends the next one begins and this is a pivotal time for reflection, looking back and for contemplating the future. This time of year can also bring with it a great deal of anxiety – from the pressure of having to have fun and being part of a group as we see in the New Year in to dealing with the aftermath of Christmas and the dread of returning to studies or work.

Questions might arise such as; What am I doing with my life? Where are things going? What have I achieved? What should I be doing? These are all queries that put enormous pressure on us to do or be something other than we already are. Then, of course, when this time of year roles around again and we haven’t transformed our lives as we promised ourselves earlier in the year we focus on what we haven’t yet done rather that what we have done and so the cycle starts over again.

In our culture we have leaned to judge the end of things as often negative but, whilst endings can bring with them a natural degree of sadness and worry, we forget to allow room for the other side of the coin, namely beginnings. If we are mourning the loss of a loved one it is only natural that we allow ourselves time to grieve and mourn their absence. Other endings such as loosing a job or the end of a relationship can, similarly, take us into a place of despair and hopelessness. We dwell on the feelings of rejection or loneliness, which means our recovery takes longer or our confidence is knocked entirely.

Instead, we could to allow both truths to co-exist understanding that, whilst something ends something else begins. This is the law of change that exists throughout the entire universe. Incorporating this universal truth into our lives means allowing ourselves to fully experience whatever the end of something brings up for us. At the same time we can turn towards the other reality where a new beginning is already taking place. In doing this we don’t allow ourselves to deny our wounded feelings nor do we completely lose ourselves within our challenging emotions. Instead, we allow both to run side by side until we are ready to let go of the ending process and embrace the possibilities that the beginnings also offers us. In doing this we enable hope and optimism.

So whether you’re coming to the end of a project, a relationship, a job or simply contemplating the end of the year spend some time also allowing space for beginnings by asking yourself – what is beginning right now, who am I from this moment on? If you find your mind travelling into the future and dwelling in fear gently bring it back to the present moment.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell

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5 Christmas tips for Social Anxiety

For those with social anxiety this time of year can bring added levels of stress and worry. From the office parties to the family get-together, anxiety levels are usually very high.

Self-consciousness, shyness and embarrassment are the common experiences of social anxiety. It also brings with it feelings of shame and much of the added stress comes from concealing this from others in order to fit in.

One of the great fears for someone with social anxiety is being put in the spotlight. Therefore sitting around a table in a confined space can be the source of huge stress.  I remember dreading dinner parties and eventually avoided them at all cost.

Another challenging component to social anxiety is the after effect of a social occasion. As someone who has struggled with this type of anxiety in the past I recall how I would obsess about what was said, how I came across and then beat myself up for not being good enough. If it had been a dinner party I’d tell myself that I wasn’t interesting enough and, of course, expect never to be invited again.  These days I’m much more relaxed about situations like these and not so bothered about how I come cross. Over the years I’ve learned to be kind to myself, manage my fears better, to show interest in others and to know that I am welcome.

On the back of my personal experience and my work with clients who struggle with social anxiety here are my 5 tips for surviving the various Christmas events;

  1. Know that you are welcome. Keep telling yourself this even if you don’t believe it. Understand that you are wanted and accepted. It’s sometimes enough for you to just be there and be yourself as much as you can.
  2. Understand that others are also afraid. It always appears that other people are relaxed and confident. Some are but most aren’t. Most people want to be liked and are fearful of rejection.
  3. Know that whatever you feel is a choice. If you don’t feel like joining in – smilingly decline. Stay interested in what is happening around you and allow yourself to say no if you’re really not ready. Saying no doesn’t have to be unfriendly or negative.
  4. Fake it ’till you make it. This sound like a dreadful idea but can be very effective. Imagine yourself however you’d like to be then take on that role. It can allow you to step beyond your comfort zone and discover new ways of being.
  5. Show interest in others. This is a great way to engage with others and make a good impression. Unless they also have social anxiety many people love being given attention, to have that space and to talk about what interests them. If you repeat back what you’ve heard in order to clarify this is even better as there is nothing better than truly being heard and understood.

Overcoming social anxiety can take time but it is possible as I have experienced. The key ingredients for me were; getting interested and curious about my fears instead of running away or covering up, being kind to myself and understanding where these fears come from, allowing others to be confident and relaxed without comparing myself, knowing that I’m welcome, valued and finding ways to move beyond all the self-doubt to know there is nothing wrong with me even if I do feel anxious.

For more information on social anxiety and weekly groups running in London check out – http://www.sashgroup.org

Loneliness Vs Solitude

It’s December 23rd and it’s the time of year when getting together with friends and family or perhaps cosy-ing up with a loved one is what many of us will be planning to do. It’s a wonderful time of year but also comes with a pressure and strain that can lead to that tinseled dream turning into an icy nightmare.

After many years of trying various tactics that have included both avoidance and throwing myself into it completely, I finally feel at peace with Christmas. I can now let it all happen around me without judgement or anxiety. However, in all my experiments I have found that I most enjoy Christmas when I spend it alone. In this space I can enjoy the indulgence of it, generally relax and take it all at my own pace.

Being alone can be a difficult space to inhabit in which a sense of deep unease and restlessness arises as we search for ways to fill that space with distractions such as – hours of watching television, emailing and texting or drinking and eating much more than we would do normally. We want to feel busy and connected and when alone with ourselves we can experience a profound boredom and loneliness.

For this reason being alone doesn’t come easily to many of us. For natural introverts it may be second nature while for other it takes practice and a little more effort. Part of the problem is that being alone is regarded, by our society, as something to move away from and generally encourages us to move more towards socialising and activities. Yet if more of us learned the art of solitude rather than the perceived sadness of loneliness there would be less of an ‘either / or’ situation and being alone could be regarded as an empowered personal choice.

Solitude is different from loneliness. Solitude is a choice in which to be fully present with our selves, whether that is in activity or inactivity and stillness. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an internal state of need in which we yearn for connection with someone or something outside of ourselves. This state is not a bad thing unless we turn it into something desperate and grasping. Rather, loneliness can direct us towards the needs within our heart and from there we can calmly align ourselves with what our hearts yearn for.

Meanwhile, solitude invites us to accept our aloneness completely, get still and enjoy the peace that is there inside ourselves beyond all the noise, stresses and distractions. Here we can re-charge and then, when we’re ready, move out into the world. We now feel more ourselves and more able to connect with our world in a genuine, authentic and fully alive way that is good for us and good for others. All we need do is give ourselves wholehearted permission.

Hyperhidrosis #2 – ‘It’s a cruel cruel summer!’

For those who have Hyperhidrosis summer here in London can be a nightmare. Especially if you’re commuting to and from work. Whilst air conditioning is increasingly being installed in offices, buses, shops and on the underground trains such as the district line, sweat soaked clothes before 9 in the morning is an all too familiar experience.

For most of the population sweating in the heat is a normal occurrence which, whilst uncomfortable, soon passes. However, for someone with hyperhydrosis, where the sweat glands and sympathetic nervous system are over active, excessive sweating is often an ever present discomfort.

The other day I jumped on one of the new route master buses which are based on an older style of hop on hop off bus, which were replaced several years ago. A tragedy in my opinion as they were great fun to travel on, employed a conductor and were well ventilated. The new designs by Thomas Heatherwick are a futuristic version but have no windows that can open, the idea being that temperature can be controlled internally. This is a huge oversight in the design as even in the coldest winter fresh air is a must. The day I hopped on the air conditioning on all buses had failed. Whilst it was 25 degrees outside it was more like 40 inside. Needless to say I hopped off at the next stop.

Similarly, whilst shopping for suitable summer clothes I went into a big brand store on Oxford street. To my horror the air conditioning had failed and whilst the staff ran around frantically setting up huge cooling machines machines, which did little other than blow the hot air around, I lasted about 2 minutes before heading for another store where the air conditioning was guaranteed to be in full swing. These days, has air conditioning turned us all into hypersensitive creatures of comfort?

Recently I spent some time in Malaysia where the temperature is consistently between 30 and 40 degrees centigrade with the humidity at around 90%. There, being too hot and sweating is something everyone experiences throughout the year. Some love the heat and the humidity whilst others struggle and these days, throughout Malaysia, it’s unusual to find a cafe, restaurant, shop or taxi that doesn’t have air conditioning. That’s great news for comfort but not such good news for the environment. As offices, homes and shops etc pump the hot air back outside conversely the outside heats up creating a vicious cycle. On top of that there’s the growing need for more power and energy – as we cool our interiors the exterior gets hotter. This reminds me of the smoking ban which improved the experience for non-smokers in bars, clubs and restaurants but step outside for some fresh air and you’re likely to get a lung-full of smoke as smokers are relegated to the ‘fresh air’.

Whilst summer in London can be a challenge for those with hyperhidrosis winter can also present another series of problems. This can include going from the cold outside into hot and over-heated spaces which may encourage the body to sweat and then back out into the cold again.

I remember the first time I went skiing. For those who have had the experience you’ll know how much energy is used when learning to do it. Falling down and getting back up produces a lot of body heat and being outside for most of the day I’d sweat and then I’d stop for lunch where I’d soon become cold and wet. Eventually I learned to take a change of clothes but those initial days of getting hot then cold then hot then cold resulted in me flying home with a nasty dose of flu. Being cold and wet for long periods can deplete the body’s immune system however there is one person who has developed a system for dealing with such conditions.

Wim Hof is known as the ‘Ice man’ and has swum under icebergs, run a marathon north of the polar circle wearing nothing but shorts and publicly demonstrated how he can spend hours submersed in ice. He has learnt to control his hypothalamus which governs the body temperature and claims that learning how to do this can strengthen the immune system and fight disease. He runs workshops in holland and the US and believes that anyone can learn to do it. His website is http://www.innerfire.nl and I’ve found some of his techniques very useful particularly if you experience sweating during the night which may also disturb your sleep.

Sitting on public transport and hurtling or sometimes crawling across the city can be a stressful experience in itself. This is often amplified by excessive sweating. I’ve found it very useful at times like this to meditate on the feeling of coldness on the skin. This is a memory we can all recall from being out in the snow, handling ice cubes or getting into a cold swimming pool. This accessible memory is like turning on the internal air conditioning and is just another tool to help us live with hyperhidrosis.

(It’s a cruel cruel summer!) c/o Bananarama 1983

The fear of fear

Anxiety can sometimes creep up on us. At other times it hits us unexpectedly catching us off guard. Then there’s the anxiety that always seems to be there, following us like an ominous shadow into every situation. It’s like a constant background hum of unease and dread. A shaky ungrounded feeling that leaves us vulnerable and full of doubt.

This experience can feed into a fundamental fear of the fear itself and we can find ourselves on the run, hiding from the uncomfortable feelings that anxiety brings with it and dreading might be lurking around the next corner. This can mean that we withdraw from life itself. Anxiety is part of life and part of of all our lived experiences yet for many it takes over and is debilitating.

Have you ever had dreams about being chased? Sometimes, in these dreams, we are pursed by wild animals that rarely catch us but we wake in the grip of terror and dread. It is our distorted beliefs about our live situations that is after us and it is those fearful beliefs that ultimately consumes us.

If we can gently start to turn towards the wildness of our fears and beliefs we may begin to understand that we have the power to master them and that we don’t have to be a slave to all the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that overpower us.

Bravery, patience and perseverance are required but we can get there and eventually anxiety can become a great teacher.

All about Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety is the fear of people and in particular social situations. These situations can include work scenarios as well as at social gatherings. People with social anxiety often don’t know they have it and can struggle for years before understanding their fearful reactions.

At the end of this article you’ll find some links that can offer some extra support or information.

About labels

For me, getting my head around the idea that the difficult feelings I experienced in certain situations might be social anxiety was actually a great relief. It had got to a stage in my life where I was beginning to avoid socialising as the stress was often overwhelming. Defining my social difficulties gave me the opportunity to really examine my anxiety, where it came from and what I could do about it.

How do you know you have social anxiety?

Does the invitation to a dinner party fill you with dread and fear? Rather than looking forward to meeting new people do you wrack your brain for an excuse not to go? Do meetings at work leave you feeling traumatised? Do you spend your time in meetings worrying about being put on the spot? Do the feeling you experience in these and other situations include; heart pounding, shortness of breath, self-consciousness, blushing, shaking, sweating, panic and feelings of being trapped? Do you also beat yourself up after these kind of events and then experience feelings of guilt, shame and depression? If this sounds like your experience then getting to grips with social anxiety may be good news.

What’s good about it?

Understanding why we struggle is a huge step in the right direction.  A step towards being kind to ourselves and away from beating ourselves up followed by self imposed isolation. Social anxiety can be a very lonely experience. For some people, though, understanding that they just prefer their own company and simply to give themselves permission to enjoy this is all that is needed. Remember, there is no right or wrong way for putting ourselves where we really want to be. However, for the majority who struggle with this type of anxiety they find themselves caught between how they would like to be and how they actually are. This is also good news as it point to how you really could be. The next step is how to get there and this can take a while but is worth the journey and the effort as I am testament.

What’s the cause?

People have social anxiety for a variety of reasons. My personal opinion is that somewhere down the line in our past we have taken on board that we are not ok as we are and this has lead to self-consciousness. This may not mean that we were criticised or bullied, as is often the case, but that we may also have been over protected. In the latter case it is often when individuals leave home that the problems start. In the former it it is generally our school where we experienced trauma as a result of sustained bullying and rejection.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is a phobia and is one of the most common forms of phobia. When someone experiences a phobia such as claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) they experience panic and stress similar to those of social anxiety. These symptoms can be found in all forms of phobia. When any animal is in danger three responses arise; fight, flight or freeze. Adrenaline is produced and prepares the animal to fight or flight. With freeze the same reaction occurs but the stress is so overwhelming that the body is paralysed. This state is sometimes regarded as catatonic. The same survival responses occur during the experience of phobia but the reality is our live are not in danger yet our bodies and brains seem to believe this to be the case and react accordingly.

What can you do about it?

Psychotherapy can be a great help in talking about your experiences and what may have happened in the past. Body-based psychotherapy works for many as does EMDR which is designed to release trauma from the mind and body. Joining a social anxiety group can also be a great way of supporting yourself. Knowing that I was not alone in my experience helped me. Social anxiety effects many people of all ages and from all backgrounds. The important thing to remember is that anxiety is part of all our lives and experiences and is a vital feeling but it doesn’t have to rule our lives – we can make friends with it and move towards where we really want to be.

Contact me if you’d like to know more about individual therapy or check out the UKCP directory of therapists.

For social anxiety groups in London check out the social anxiety self-help group.