Simple tools for Anxiety #1 – ‘Portrait of the Day’

This simple and quick exercise is great for transforming upset and stress.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or upset, perhaps you feel the world is against you or maybe you just feel down and not sure why. If so get yourself a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left list all the bad things that have happened. On the right lists all the good things that have happened and include the smallest things. For example – I enjoyed my lunch, it was sunny, I had a nice conversation, this or that was interesting – anything! Notice how many things you forgot about because of your unwanted internal feelings and notice how you feel after making the lists. Do you still feel the same?

By doing this exercise it is both possible to transform the upset and to perhaps notice how attached you are to feeling upset. In the case of being attached you may draw up the list, feel a bit better and then go straight back to feeling miserable and decide the exercise doesn’t work. If this is the case it isn’t the exercise but just the mind’s determination. Your mind may tell you – if you stop feeling upset you will be taken advantage of or that you don’t deserve to be happy. None of this is true. Your mind is just innocently making these things up because it believes that’s what you want. You can change your mind and the stories it tells you. However, this can take time and effort when particular states of mind and belief systems have been well practiced over time. Don’t worry, all your upset and stress is actually just information that is in fact pointing you towards what needs to happen for things to change. It just take a willingness to get curious and a desire to face the difficulties you’re experiencing.

So, if what I’ve just described is true for you then add to the bottom of the exercise the following – “Right now I am choosing to be upset and I could choose not to be.” Even if you don’t believe these words write them down and keep practicing. Ideally at the end of each day and continue to notice any resistance. Resistance is just information.

If on the other hand you feel much better – identify the main things on the list that shifted the negativity and highlight them. Again, keep practicing.

Practice is important. The more we practice something the better we get and this is the same for negative and upsetting emotions as it is for confident and positive emotional and mental states. It’s absolutely no different than learning something new or going to the gym. However, if we want to think or behave in new ways we have to work at it and appreciate that this can take time.

Practicing this simple list is an exercise in changing your mind so that you’re free to enjoy your life and by doing this you can paint a very different picture of the day. One that is truer than the one you might be struggling and suffering with. We all have a tendency towards seeking negativity and problems – it’s part of our human survival mechanisms – so don’t worry you’re not alone. We just need to establish reminders about how to use these effectively so that our minds serve us and not the other way around. Reminders could be in the form of post-it notes around the home, timed reminders on our phones, a dedicated note book by the side of our bed or set and alarm to go off the same time each evening.

The main point of this exercise is to train our minds to notice the positive aspects of our selves and our lives more and more and by doing this build confidence and improve self-esteem.

“If we look for the negative we will find it and if we look for the positive we will find it – but only every time. This applies to everything and the choice is ours.”

I say all this from experience and the tools that I share with you are ones that I have tried and tested myself and have greatly benefited from.

Please let me know how you get on.

psychotherapy4london.co.uk

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5 Christmas tips for Social Anxiety

For those with social anxiety this time of year can bring added levels of stress and worry. From the office parties to the family get-together, anxiety levels are usually very high.

Self-consciousness, shyness and embarrassment are the common experiences of social anxiety. It also brings with it feelings of shame and much of the added stress comes from concealing this from others in order to fit in.

One of the great fears for someone with social anxiety is being put in the spotlight. Therefore sitting around a table in a confined space can be the source of huge stress.  I remember dreading dinner parties and eventually avoided them at all cost.

Another challenging component to social anxiety is the after effect of a social occasion. As someone who has struggled with this type of anxiety in the past I recall how I would obsess about what was said, how I came across and then beat myself up for not being good enough. If it had been a dinner party I’d tell myself that I wasn’t interesting enough and, of course, expect never to be invited again.  These days I’m much more relaxed about situations like these and not so bothered about how I come cross. Over the years I’ve learned to be kind to myself, manage my fears better, to show interest in others and to know that I am welcome.

On the back of my personal experience and my work with clients who struggle with social anxiety here are my 5 tips for surviving the various Christmas events;

  1. Know that you are welcome. Keep telling yourself this even if you don’t believe it. Understand that you are wanted and accepted. It’s sometimes enough for you to just be there and be yourself as much as you can.
  2. Understand that others are also afraid. It always appears that other people are relaxed and confident. Some are but most aren’t. Most people want to be liked and are fearful of rejection.
  3. Know that whatever you feel is a choice. If you don’t feel like joining in – smilingly decline. Stay interested in what is happening around you and allow yourself to say no if you’re really not ready. Saying no doesn’t have to be unfriendly or negative.
  4. Fake it ’till you make it. This sound like a dreadful idea but can be very effective. Imagine yourself however you’d like to be then take on that role. It can allow you to step beyond your comfort zone and discover new ways of being.
  5. Show interest in others. This is a great way to engage with others and make a good impression. Unless they also have social anxiety many people love being given attention, to have that space and to talk about what interests them. If you repeat back what you’ve heard in order to clarify this is even better as there is nothing better than truly being heard and understood.

Overcoming social anxiety can take time but it is possible as I have experienced. The key ingredients for me were; getting interested and curious about my fears instead of running away or covering up, being kind to myself and understanding where these fears come from, allowing others to be confident and relaxed without comparing myself, knowing that I’m welcome, valued and finding ways to move beyond all the self-doubt to know there is nothing wrong with me even if I do feel anxious.

For more information on social anxiety and weekly groups running in London check out – http://www.sashgroup.org

Loneliness Vs Solitude

It’s December 23rd and it’s the time of year when getting together with friends and family or perhaps cosy-ing up with a loved one is what many of us will be planning to do. It’s a wonderful time of year but also comes with a pressure and strain that can lead to that tinseled dream turning into an icy nightmare.

After many years of trying various tactics that have included both avoidance and throwing myself into it completely, I finally feel at peace with Christmas. I can now let it all happen around me without judgement or anxiety. However, in all my experiments I have found that I most enjoy Christmas when I spend it alone. In this space I can enjoy the indulgence of it, generally relax and take it all at my own pace.

Being alone can be a difficult space to inhabit in which a sense of deep unease and restlessness arises as we search for ways to fill that space with distractions such as – hours of watching television, emailing and texting or drinking and eating much more than we would do normally. We want to feel busy and connected and when alone with ourselves we can experience a profound boredom and loneliness.

For this reason being alone doesn’t come easily to many of us. For natural introverts it may be second nature while for other it takes practice and a little more effort. Part of the problem is that being alone is regarded, by our society, as something to move away from and generally encourages us to move more towards socialising and activities. Yet if more of us learned the art of solitude rather than the perceived sadness of loneliness there would be less of an ‘either / or’ situation and being alone could be regarded as an empowered personal choice.

Solitude is different from loneliness. Solitude is a choice in which to be fully present with our selves, whether that is in activity or inactivity and stillness. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an internal state of need in which we yearn for connection with someone or something outside of ourselves. This state is not a bad thing unless we turn it into something desperate and grasping. Rather, loneliness can direct us towards the needs within our heart and from there we can calmly align ourselves with what our hearts yearn for.

Meanwhile, solitude invites us to accept our aloneness completely, get still and enjoy the peace that is there inside ourselves beyond all the noise, stresses and distractions. Here we can re-charge and then, when we’re ready, move out into the world. We now feel more ourselves and more able to connect with our world in a genuine, authentic and fully alive way that is good for us and good for others. All we need do is give ourselves wholehearted permission.

All about Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety is the fear of people and in particular social situations. These situations can include work scenarios as well as at social gatherings. People with social anxiety often don’t know they have it and can struggle for years before understanding their fearful reactions.

At the end of this article you’ll find some links that can offer some extra support or information.

About labels

For me, getting my head around the idea that the difficult feelings I experienced in certain situations might be social anxiety was actually a great relief. It had got to a stage in my life where I was beginning to avoid socialising as the stress was often overwhelming. Defining my social difficulties gave me the opportunity to really examine my anxiety, where it came from and what I could do about it.

How do you know you have social anxiety?

Does the invitation to a dinner party fill you with dread and fear? Rather than looking forward to meeting new people do you wrack your brain for an excuse not to go? Do meetings at work leave you feeling traumatised? Do you spend your time in meetings worrying about being put on the spot? Do the feeling you experience in these and other situations include; heart pounding, shortness of breath, self-consciousness, blushing, shaking, sweating, panic and feelings of being trapped? Do you also beat yourself up after these kind of events and then experience feelings of guilt, shame and depression? If this sounds like your experience then getting to grips with social anxiety may be good news.

What’s good about it?

Understanding why we struggle is a huge step in the right direction.  A step towards being kind to ourselves and away from beating ourselves up followed by self imposed isolation. Social anxiety can be a very lonely experience. For some people, though, understanding that they just prefer their own company and simply to give themselves permission to enjoy this is all that is needed. Remember, there is no right or wrong way for putting ourselves where we really want to be. However, for the majority who struggle with this type of anxiety they find themselves caught between how they would like to be and how they actually are. This is also good news as it point to how you really could be. The next step is how to get there and this can take a while but is worth the journey and the effort as I am testament.

What’s the cause?

People have social anxiety for a variety of reasons. My personal opinion is that somewhere down the line in our past we have taken on board that we are not ok as we are and this has lead to self-consciousness. This may not mean that we were criticised or bullied, as is often the case, but that we may also have been over protected. In the latter case it is often when individuals leave home that the problems start. In the former it it is generally our school where we experienced trauma as a result of sustained bullying and rejection.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is a phobia and is one of the most common forms of phobia. When someone experiences a phobia such as claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) they experience panic and stress similar to those of social anxiety. These symptoms can be found in all forms of phobia. When any animal is in danger three responses arise; fight, flight or freeze. Adrenaline is produced and prepares the animal to fight or flight. With freeze the same reaction occurs but the stress is so overwhelming that the body is paralysed. This state is sometimes regarded as catatonic. The same survival responses occur during the experience of phobia but the reality is our live are not in danger yet our bodies and brains seem to believe this to be the case and react accordingly.

What can you do about it?

Psychotherapy can be a great help in talking about your experiences and what may have happened in the past. Body-based psychotherapy works for many as does EMDR which is designed to release trauma from the mind and body. Joining a social anxiety group can also be a great way of supporting yourself. Knowing that I was not alone in my experience helped me. Social anxiety effects many people of all ages and from all backgrounds. The important thing to remember is that anxiety is part of all our lives and experiences and is a vital feeling but it doesn’t have to rule our lives – we can make friends with it and move towards where we really want to be.

Contact me if you’d like to know more about individual therapy or check out the UKCP directory of therapists.

For social anxiety groups in London check out the social anxiety self-help group.