Simple tools for Anxiety #1 – ‘Portrait of the Day’

This simple and quick exercise is great for transforming upset and stress.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or upset, perhaps you feel the world is against you or maybe you just feel down and not sure why. If so get yourself a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left list all the bad things that have happened. On the right lists all the good things that have happened and include the smallest things. For example – I enjoyed my lunch, it was sunny, I had a nice conversation, this or that was interesting – anything! Notice how many things you forgot about because of your unwanted internal feelings and notice how you feel after making the lists. Do you still feel the same?

By doing this exercise it is both possible to transform the upset and to perhaps notice how attached you are to feeling upset. In the case of being attached you may draw up the list, feel a bit better and then go straight back to feeling miserable and decide the exercise doesn’t work. If this is the case it isn’t the exercise but just the mind’s determination. Your mind may tell you – if you stop feeling upset you will be taken advantage of or that you don’t deserve to be happy. None of this is true. Your mind is just innocently making these things up because it believes that’s what you want. You can change your mind and the stories it tells you. However, this can take time and effort when particular states of mind and belief systems have been well practiced over time. Don’t worry, all your upset and stress is actually just information that is in fact pointing you towards what needs to happen for things to change. It just take a willingness to get curious and a desire to face the difficulties you’re experiencing.

So, if what I’ve just described is true for you then add to the bottom of the exercise the following – “Right now I am choosing to be upset and I could choose not to be.” Even if you don’t believe these words write them down and keep practicing. Ideally at the end of each day and continue to notice any resistance. Resistance is just information.

If on the other hand you feel much better – identify the main things on the list that shifted the negativity and highlight them. Again, keep practicing.

Practice is important. The more we practice something the better we get and this is the same for negative and upsetting emotions as it is for confident and positive emotional and mental states. It’s absolutely no different than learning something new or going to the gym. However, if we want to think or behave in new ways we have to work at it and appreciate that this can take time.

Practicing this simple list is an exercise in changing your mind so that you’re free to enjoy your life and by doing this you can paint a very different picture of the day. One that is truer than the one you might be struggling and suffering with. We all have a tendency towards seeking negativity and problems – it’s part of our human survival mechanisms – so don’t worry you’re not alone. We just need to establish reminders about how to use these effectively so that our minds serve us and not the other way around. Reminders could be in the form of post-it notes around the home, timed reminders on our phones, a dedicated note book by the side of our bed or set and alarm to go off the same time each evening.

The main point of this exercise is to train our minds to notice the positive aspects of our selves and our lives more and more and by doing this build confidence and improve self-esteem.

“If we look for the negative we will find it and if we look for the positive we will find it – but only every time. This applies to everything and the choice is ours.”

I say all this from experience and the tools that I share with you are ones that I have tried and tested myself and have greatly benefited from.

Please let me know how you get on.

psychotherapy4london.co.uk

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Self-doubt – friend or foe?

Have you ever had a great idea only to find that as you try to take it forward you run out of steam or give up?

Chances are you may be in the grip of self-doubt. Often we are so familiar with self-doubt dictating what we do or don’t do that we’re unaware how much it stops us from expressing who we really want to be.

Here’s a couple of examples;

You have an idea that you’d like to write a book, you enjoyed writing at school and although this may have been some time ago you enroll on a creative writing course. On the course you feel really inspired and enjoy exploring different styles and generally getting back into writing as form of creative expression. During that time you’re encouraged to read your work out loud and whilst this brings up a lot of anxiety you receive some good feedback along with some constructive criticism. After the course you have some great ideas but you find yourself doing nothing further. Although you think about your initial idea of writing a book you also have thoughts like, “I’m not that good”, “others are better than me”, “who am I to write a book?” etc. These thoughts now overpower the original thought and they win the day.

Or .. you want to find a new job. You think you’d like to work for yourself and you have a few ideas but you are filled with anxiety every time you think about retraining or the possibility of not having a steady income. The thoughts that arise may include; “it will take too long”,”I will run out of money”, “I may fail” etc. Again, these limiting thoughts win the day.

The examples could go on to include; finding a new relationship, speaking out, moving home, following a passion, changing your mind, making decisions and the list goes on…

Of course, the argument in favor of self-doubt says that if I don’t have doubt I’ll be out of control, I’ll become arrogant or make bad decisions etc. This is where distinguishing the difference between self-doubt and self-regulation is very useful.

Self-regulation is the natural internal process that assesses our capacities, resources, talents and abilities. It is a concrete rational understanding that if, for example, I’m 95 years old, with all the will in the world, I’m unlikely to win a gold medal in gymnastics. However it might help me become a little more active.  Similarly, if I want to become a tree surgeon and I’m currently working in the banking industry self-regulation is going to help me fathom what needs to happen in order to get me to where I’d like to be.

Self-doubt, on the other hand is the internal critic. This critic acts out of fear and simply wants to keep us safe and secure. In listening to this and believing what we hear we keep ourselves stuck and our lives limited to what is familiar and away from uncertainty.

Getting into relationship with the dialogues that go on inside ourselves and embracing those moments of inspiration where we have a desire to move towards an expression of our soul nature can provide us with a map of how our live could be.

Moving beyond self-doubt and critical limitations can open up our lives in ways that, up until now, have only been a distant dream. Suddenly we become the writer we’ve always wanted to be or the tree surgeon or anything that truly makes our hearts sing.

Self-doubt can become a friend that can point us towards our wounds, our fears and what needs to heal. From there we can negotiate our doubts in order to live the lives we really want and align with our true-selves.